THE QUESTIONABLY SOURCED CHRONICLE OF DEVIOUS JOE AND THE UNNAMED HERO: 70 YEARS LATER...

100% BY MRLARGEBADWORD

70 YEARS LATER... I sit at my grandfather's bedside as he coughs weakly and looks at me. He smiles weakly as he squeezes my hand. He breathes in and says "I guess it didn't matter in the end, everyone I love has still died and I couldn't protect anyone..." I look at him confused and say "Huh?" My grandpa smiles... deviously... as he coughs harder. He mutters softly: "I haven't told anyone this, not even my wife... But the world will end in 30 years..." I look at him even more confused, but since these are his last words I will hear him out... He grips my hand tighter as he speaks again "HE WILL RETURN! HE WILL DESTROY ALL, PREPARE YOURSELF... OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!" He starts seizing as I yell for a doctor. I get rushed out of my room as I sit outside. A few hours later the doctors told me he couldn't make it... I didn't really know him so I don't really care. The world's gonna end, I need to find out how to save the world. I dash out of the clinic as I run up towards the dojo, I finally arrive as I burst through the doors. I see my sensei as I get punched in the face. The sensei looks at me disappointedly and says "What is the meaning of this? You must treat this dojo with respect! After all, your father trained here!" I slowly get up as I rub my forehead, I say annoyed "Sorry sensei, it's just that I really want to become stronger!" The sensei raises an eyebrow and says "YOU? You're far too young to train here! Come back when you're older." Tears well up in my eyes as I beg for him to train me and to make me stronger but he refuses. I sullenly leave the dojo as I shut the doors gently. I start walking down the dojo stairs as I hear "PSST" from the dark alley on the side of the dojo, against my better judgment I slowly walk to the side of the dojo. I see a being of what seems to be rotting flesh, I try not to barf as I see runes scrawled across his body. I barf as he laughs I finally compose myself as he says in a raspy voice "Joe's coming, and I ain't got much time left." I interrupt him and say "Joe, Who's joe?" The mysterious man smiles deviously as he says "Oh... nobody, Listen kid, I'll train you but it's not gonna be easy!" I look at my options and I think about what my grandpa said. I finally finish thinking as I nod my head in agreement. The rotting corpse man smiles as I see a maw of yellow teeth, he says "Follow me, kid." I follow him as he leads me into a cellar in the dojo, a rotting musk hits me as the doors swing open. I see him shamble down the stairs as I follow behind him. Once I reach the bottom I see 5 strong looking men chained to the walls and an operating table. He shuts the cellar as I hear the clamping of a thick metal lock. I start to get worried as I see his glowing eyes sizing me up. He says "Lay on the table." Fearing for my life, I slowly lay on the table and look at the men chained at the wall. They all seem to be in a trance. I lay down fully as I feel him tighten leather straps onto my wrists and ankles. He smiles deviously as I see him pull one of the men off the wall. He pulls out a rusty katana as he quickly dismembers the first man. I hear the man scream in agony as I see the rotten corpse take the dismembered arms of the first man and drop them on the table. He smiles as I see him pull out a scalpel. He carves into the side of my chest as I feel warm blood gush out, I scream in agony unable to move. He then takes one of the dismembered arms and slowly pushes it into the wound. He laughs happily as he starts carving runes into the ripped off arm. The arm then adheres to the cut and seals itself onto my body. I look down amazed as I realize I now have full control over this new arm. The man smiles as he walks around to the other side and performs the same procedure. He smiles as he takes me off the table, he then tells me "Now hold still... I need to perform a ritual!" I look at him confused as he starts carving runes all over my body, which is extremely painful. I try my best not to scream as he finishes. The cuts stop bleeding and seal as they leave scars everywhere. I then feel immense power flowing into me. He smiles as he says "Now, while this power you have obtained is nearly 10 fold of what your current potential is. I must warn you, if you fully utilize this power, you will die in just an hour." I look at him in shock as I look worried. He grins and says "But that's fine because nobody will even be half as strong as you." He also says "Right now you can only utilize the physical strength, but now I will have to train you in how to use the magic it gives you." I look at him as he pulls out 4 huge swords and hands them to me, he smiles as he says "But for now, last 15 years." He then vanishes as a door swings open to my right. I enter the door as I am in a dark abyss with a large plain of infinite rotting corpses, they all stand up one by one as they start shambling towards me. I start cutting through them like butter as I kill swaths and swaths of undead corpses. I continue this all day and I feel my stomach rumble. I don't feel tired at all though... I kill for what feels like another 3 days as I reach a breaking point. I need food to sustain myself, I look down at a zombie's body as I rip into its flesh and consume it. I almost barf but I manage to eat his entire chest cavity, excluding the bones, of course. I grab his head as I break it open and drink his viscous blood. I continue this cycle of slaughter and cannibalism for what feels like millions of years, my body is dyed completely red from the carnage of infinite battles. I can't believe what I have become, I can't believe what that MOTHER FUCKER has done to me! I will get my revenge! I then remember my family, and my grandfather, as I feel the deepest sorrow in my chest. Not even infinite victory or infinite triumph could make me feel better. I finally see a dark red smoke seep from my chest as I fall to the ground. I then appear back in the operating room as the corpse man speaks "Well well well, look who finally got done!" I look up at him as I see that he has rotted exponentially, his extra appendages have fallen off and his muscles are completely gone. I would kill him, yet I can't move. He speaks in his raspy voice "Look, I know you probably hate me. But I had no choice but to do that to you. Look how much stronger you have become, it seems you've finally released your true potential! Your magica color is dark red... As expected." He then brings me to my feet as I feel him scrawl more runes on my blades and my body. I have become accustomed to intense agony so I have no fear. My blades seem to resonate with me as they glow a deep red. He then says "Train your sword style for another 15 years." I then am in the plain of infinite corpses yet again.. When will this torment finally end? I angrily kill millions and millions as I invent my own sword style... It has 5 moves: "Blood stained parting", "Runic devastation", "Disembowelment slash", "A million rotting sunsets", and "Devious undertaking". After what feels like another ending of a universe I finally arrive at the doorway, every corpse laying dead. I finally walk through as I see the corpse man laying on the operating table, he coughs as he says "Guess I'm going out just like your grandpa, I knew you were the child of prophecy every since I saw you walk out of the clinic. I know you can defeat Joe or atleast stop him just like your grandfather." I look at him as blood wells up in my eyes, why am I crying? I see him rip open his own chest as he screams and freezes still, I watch his heart stop beating as a dark glowing red crystal rises from his chest cavity. It splits into four pieces as it perfectly slots into holes on all 4 of my blades. He says one thing before he completely dies: "Defeat Joe, bring peace." I nod as I hear a loud explosion outside. I open a portal to the center of town, I know what I must do. I see Devious Joe standing in the middle of the road, the town burning to ashes around us. He looks at me DEVIOUSLY as he adjusts his hat, as he raises an eyebrow and opens his hideous mouth, "IT SEEMS I HAVE FINALLY FOUND THE PEST THAT HAS BEEN GROWING IN THE DARKNESS." I then sense a presence behind me as I teleport 2 feet back as I see the back of Devious Joe's cloak. I then feel someone kick me to the ground with immense force and as I turn around... IT'S DEVIOUS JOE!! He quickly brings down his serrated blade as I teleport above him and do a quadruple downward slash, cutting Joe's hat to pieces. I fall to the floor as I hear laughter.. DEVIOUS LAUGHTER. I look to my right as I see devious Joe with a pipe hat. He says "IT SEEMS I HAVE UNDERESTIMATED YOU... I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY..." I run towards him as I throw out a barrage of sword swings, which Devious Joe parries easily. He smiles as I feel something stab into my back. I look behind me as I see millions of glowing red nails fly towards me quickly. I flip around and block a large majority of them as my other two arms spar with Devious Joe. I teleport back a few feet as Devious Joe smiles. He says "YOU TRULY ARE A DEVIOUS OPPONENT! YOUR ATTEMPT AT FIGHTING ME IS WASTED, THOUGH." He then splits into 4 versions of himself as he mutters "DIMENSIONAL SPLIT!" I see the 4 versions of him charge me as I fight all 4 of them head on, my eyes darting from Joe to Joe tracking each of their sword swings so I can block them accordingly. I can't keep this up.. I'm gonna have to use my sword style! I grit my teeth as I scream "RUNIC DEVASTATION!" I then see the Devious Joes get pushed back as they all merge back into a single Joe. I see his shadowy form congeal into what seems to be a human body, as a million runes get carved into his flesh. Devious Joe only looks at me as he stands up, his grin only widening on his, now human, disfigured face. He screams "DO YOU THINK THIS PAIN IS EVEN COMPARABLE TO THE AGONY I HAVE SUSTAINED IN MY 120 YEARS?" I then feel a million hands grip my head as millions upon millions of wounds coat my body, ripping me limb from limb and piecing me back together as if I was never injured in the first place. I fall to the ground and scream and squirm like a maggot as Devious Joe walks over to me unphased and devious. He looks down at me grinning "SUCH A NOBLE BLOODLINE... RUINED BY THIS RUNIC GARBAGE! HAHAHAHA!!!" I grit my teeth in anger as devious Joe stands before me. I see him look down at me seeming surprised. "HAHAHA! NOBODY HAS EVERY SUSTAINED MY PAIN AND KEPT THEIR SANITY! I RESPECT YOUR WILLPOWER, BUT IT IS SADLY WASTED." Devious Joe raises his blade impossibly fast as he says "ANY LAST WORDS? >:]" I say "Yeah.. Disembowelment Slash!" All 4 of my blades cut across his abdomen as his organs spill out and he drops to his knees. He starts laughing and coughing up blood as he teleports back and starts whispering something, I then see shadows seep from the wound in his gut before he vanishes. I hear laughing behind me as I see Devious Joe standing where he stood when we met. He says "HAHAHA, YOUR ATTEMPTS AT BEATING ME ARE USELESS!" The village has completely been leveled by the fire as I face Joe. I beat him fair and square! So why is he still alive? I scream in anger... "DEVIOUS JOE!!!!!!!!" I run towards him with the intent to kill as he teleports to me, we begin teleporting rapidly all over town as we fight brutally. I finally get to my tipping point as I scream "A MILLION ROTTING SUNSETS!" Me and Devious Joe are teleported to my dimension of rotting corpses as we continue battling, I am riddled with dimensional needles. But, I MUST DEFEAT JOE! We fight for hours and hours yet Devious Joe doesn't seem even a little tired... maybe this is all useless... There's only one thing I can think of but it would kill me... My final move: "Devious Undertaking" would rip my heart and soul out and completely vaporize me, but it would teleport everyone into my pocket dimension and seal it off completely from any celestial beings. I laugh as I rip out the crystals from my blades as Joe smiles and watches curiously... I put them in my mouth and chew them up and swallow. I feel the power coarse through my veins as I scream, "DEVIOUS UNDERTAKING!" Devious Joe raises an eyebrow as I see the whole universe flash in a blinding light, the only person next to me is Joe. Joe smiles as he says "FUNNY WHAT MORTALS WILL DO FOR A PLACE THAT COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THEM. BUT IT SEEMS YOU TRULY ARE... DEVIOUS!" I look at him confused as I gaze down and see my legs. I say "How am I alive?" He smiles deviously as he says "YOUR BLOODLINE SEEMS TO WANT ME TO DESPERATELY SPARE YOUR PITIFUL REALM! WHILE I AM... DEVIOUS... I WAS ALSO ONCE HUMAN. I WILL OBLIGE AND SPARE YOUR SICK PERVERTED REALM, BUT I WANT YOU TO ETERNALLY SERVE AS MY SERVANT FOR ETERNITY!" I consider it as I grip my four blades tightly, I think of what my grandpa said and to what my rotting corpse friend taught me. I grit my teeth as I gaze around the white void we are in. I look back to Devious Joe as I nod my head, defeated. Devious Joe smiles deviously as he says "Good choice." He opens a portal and I wave goodbye to my old realm and enter a new one. THE END.