THE QUESTIONABLY SOURCED CHRONICLE OF DEVIOUS JOE AND THE UNNAMED HERO

BY MRLARGEBADWORD

WITH EDITS BY NICNAK AND ALVIKK SALVIS

GO BACK

10 YEARS BEFORE THE INCIDENT It's a rainy day at the dojo again. All I can do is absent mindedly stare into space and wait for my sensei to finally stop jabbering. We finally get to training, we are cutting bamboo with our swords to hone our skills. I'm trying to focus on training but it's hard to ignore the elephant in the room. I look across the training yard to see Joe with his oversized blade. He struggles to even lift it, let alone swing it. The sensei walks over to Joe and shakes his head before saying "You bring great dishonor to your family Joe! Did your father die protecting this village for you to struggle to lift his blade?" I never knew Joe's Dad died... I feel some sort of sadness for him now, not to mention his mangled face. Joe only frowned and promised to train harder. I try to focus on training, pull off some fairly basic but well oriented moves, training finally ends and I look back at Joe, who disappointedly stares at the floor with a frown, I myself have no part in his training so I pay no mind. Not long after as I'm oiling my katana I notice the other trainees picking on Joe, they're calling him a weak loser, someone so pathetic they can't even lift their blade, let alone use a sword technique. They all left after finishing belittling Joe on his uselessness. I walk to Joe as he sobs and weakly shoves his blade into its sheath. I greeted him, "Hey joe... Wanna go for a walk?" Joe looks up at me in disbelief as he nods quickly and grabs his bag. We're walking down the dirt road of our impoverished town and I mutter "The governor's spending our taxes so damn much on the military... fucking can't even tile some roads!" Joe cackles as he looks at me. "Have we met before?" I look at him and raise an eyebrow. I reply "No you just looked sad so I wanted to go on a walk with you to make you feel better." Joe smirks and thanks me. I nod my head as I say "You're damn pretty strong to be able to lift such a blade Joe... I believe if you train hard you could become a mighty warrior." Joe seems as if he's about to reply when suddenly this stranger stops us in the middle of the road, they look to be a foreigner. The figure asks us if we have heard of a great treasure around here. Another fucking treasure hunter looking for that cursed relic... I see Joe look at him with a curious expression as he says "What great treasure?" The treasure hunter cracks his knuckles absently as he says "There's this gold thingy, that's s'posed to be around this town'r somth'n, I was try'n find it but nobody knows where the damn thing is.." I stand by as Joe keeps prodding for more info but the treasure hunter is clueless to the whereabouts of this great treasure. The treasure hunter consults his map before waving us goodbye, after a while we reach Joe's small home. I wave goodbye as I head off towards my apartment. I finally reach my home as I eat dinner and head to bed. When I woke up I did my chores and headed down to the dojo for my daily training session. However I notice Joe's not at training or the lecture today. I shrug my shoulders and say to myself "I'll check up on him on my way home". After training ends I make my way to Joe's place. I knock on his door as Joe answers and invites me in. That's when I see a bunch of peeled up floorboards and a fancy looking box with a weird amulet in it. I immediately ask what it is. Joe says it's his father's amulet and the treasure hunter reminded him of where his father hid it before he went out to war. I look at Joe with pity as I realize this is probably the only thing he has to remember his father.. I pat Joe's shoulder and stand back as he puts on the amulet. Joe's demeanor totally changes... A large smirk stretches across his face as he looks up at me. He says something along the lines of "N-Nice having you.." Joe leads me out and slams the door behind me. I assume this is some strange grieving process... poor guy. I make my way home as I sullenly eat my dinner and go to bed. The next day the same thing happened, I woke up, did my chores and went to the dojo. Except Joe was there and seemed to be paying much better attention, that amulet must make him feel happier. During training I notice joe has become 3 maybe 5 times stronger... He's lifting his blade with ease! He's swinging it like it's a twig! The sensei strokes his beard and raises an eyebrow before exclaiming, "Joe! You have greatly improved in such a short amount of time! Perhaps it's time you learnt a sword technique.. What's your family's sword style?" Joe only looks at the sensei sheepishly. "My father died. He never told me of any sword technique our family uses.." The sensei looks at him with a stern expression "Well figure something out! Ask your mother! We can't let your talent be wasted.." Joe nods his head and frowns "Yes sensei!" I try to focus on learning my fathers technique, the "1000 flutters", the "Flowing nectar", "A million heart beats", "Beak pierce" and the move my father couldn't even master, "Hummingbird slash." A move so powerful that my grandfather could cut down even the strongest foes in one single slash.. I keep muttering "1000 flutters" trying to pull off the first move. That's when I see it in my mind, a beautiful hummingbird. I imagine what the hummingbird feels as it beats its wings rhythmically fighting to eat enough to sustain its incredible flight. I circle around the bamboo imagining myself as a hummingbird, my blade following the rhythm of the wing beats. I open my eyes as the bamboo gets sliced into 25+ pieces. I stare in disbelief... I finally pulled off my first move! I ran to my sensei and told him the incredible news. He nods his head and looks pleased, which was a rare sight. Training ends and I oil my katana before putting it in its sheath. I walk up to joe and remark "You've really grown joe! I knew you could do it!" I notice the other trainees look at me distastefully as they quickly pack up and leave. Joe laughs and says "Thank you friend!" I notice joe tightly gripping his amulet almost as if he's trying to protect it. I laugh and pat his shoulder "Well be seeing you!" Joe looks at me deviously as he laughs "BYE! HAHA." I am surprised by his energy but happy for him. I walk out of the training grounds and start my walk home before I hear a branch snap behind me... I turn around and see the number one trainee! Dave! Dave walks up to me and grabs my shoulder. He says to me "Stop talking to the freak joe if you know what's good for you.." I look at him confused as I say "Why?" Dave exclaims, "That fucking amulet he has is cursed.. have you seen his strength?" I shake my head as I exclaim, "No! Joe has just been training hard! The amulet has nothing to do with it.." Dave looks at me and says "Believe what you want weakling.. we're gonna ambush him and destroy that amulet for good, we'll be the heroes of the village." I wouldn't stand for this ordinarily but this guy's the sensei's son, he could kick me out of the dojo if I even tried to hurt him. I only swallow nervously and say "Y-Yea.." I make my way home and eat dinner with a guilty feeling in my gut. I think to myself, "man, if only Joe knew what was coming to him, I hope he can recover from such a blow..." After some struggle I finally go to bed and sleep. The next morning I walked to the dojo and found everyone whispering amongst themselves. I asked a few other trainees and they informed me that Dave and a few other trainees had gone missing. I remember what dave told me yesterday about what they were gonna do to Joe.I racked my brain with the possibility that joe may be responsible for the disappearances. Training rolls around and a samurai is standing for the sensei who is understandably looking for his son. I approached Joe and asked him if he knew what happened to dave. Joe looks at me with the most bone chilling expression before saying, "My mother is moving to a neighboring village... I will probably never see you again." I start to get more suspicious before Joe walks out of training. I am not sure what happened there...all I can do is hope the missing trainees turn up, and that Joe didn't do anything to them. The days are slow and boring without Joe but after a few weeks dave and a few trainees wash up at a town down the river. They were heavily mutilated and bloated by the river. They had sustained multiple slashing wounds, done by a bigger than average blade. My mind drifts immediately to Joe. I realized Joe was responsible for their deaths. I felt sick from the depths of my being that Joe would do such a thing. I somewhat sympathize with him though, they were trying to throw away the last remnant of his father... I know I have to get stronger in order to protect my village just like my father so I train to get my mind off of it. Time flies by about 7-8 years, I learn more and more sword techniques. My father passed away from an illness, but not before giving me my grandfather's journal. This journal gave me the secrets of hummingbird technique and I learned the final move and tested it on a few training dummies. I finish training and get a message from a messenger boy with detailed reports that someone has been leaving strange markings around the village that seem vaguely familiar.. (The markings look like this ">:]") They told us samurai to keep close watch for the prankster and bring him to the chief for punishment. I thank the messenger boy and head home. I eat dinner as I ponder the incidents all those years ago with Joe and the amulet. I then go to bed with my wife. I exit my house the next morning to see the most terrifying sight, houses burning and people bleeding out everywhere. Women, children, men, samurai, all killed like animals. I tell my wife to hide under our bed as I grab my katana and medical bag. I go to help as many people as possible but the amount of carnage is truly insurmountable. I quickly exhaust my pitiful medical supplies as I hide some of my injured comrades in my house and seal it shut with hardened nectar. I then see a silhouette standing in the fire, a sick grin stretched across their face. "BOSS SAID AHAHHA TO KILL EVERYONE AHHAHA!!!" I look at him with a rage filled expression as I mutter the phrase "1000 flutters" I flash over to him and strike him 1000 times as quick as a hummingbird. He quickly falls to the floor still grinning.. I then feel a huge gash from behind. I turn around and see another devious looking individual. I kick them over and ask them who their leader is. They only laugh and stab at my already torn apart samurai armor... My father did not take good care of his armor. I stab him through the chest with my katana as he spits out blood and sputters, "BOSS IS IN THE DOJO AHAHAHH!!" I quickly end his sick existence as I fight my way up to the dojo, one of the only buildings that haven't been destroyed.. The people attacking our village seem to be very crazy and devious but some are very skillful.. I finally reached the dojo as I quickly opened the door... I open the door and see a Devious Joe standing at the end of the hallway. "DEVIOUS JOE!" I screamed. But Devious Joe said nothing. He just smirked at me from across the hallway as he adjusts his hat. Devious Joe has always been troublesome, but I never thought it would come to this... I unsheathe my katana as Devious Joe raises an eyebrow. Devious Joe cackles as he pulls out his great sword. I slowly start to walk towards Devious Joe, my armor falling apart from previous battles. Devious Joe carefully analyzes me, like a lion sizing up its next meal. It feels like years walking down the hallway, knowing Devious Koe can kill me in a single blow. My katana is shaking, I'm too young to die... Suddenly that's when it happens! In an instant Devious Joe jolts forward and does an overhead slash, no doubt a hasty attempt to end the battle quickly. Luckily, I barely deflected the blow, leaving a huge gash in the wall beside me. I was barely able to deflect that... Devious Joe is truly an immensely strong foe. I take this opportunity to take a slash at Devious Joe's neck. He quickly swipes his heavy blade straight out of the wall. I could potentially kill Devious Joe, and lose my foot or both my feet... I deduced even if I did kill him, I would bleed out, as I had used all my medical supplies saving my comrades from Devious Joe's carnage... I quickly jumped back as his blade crashed through the neighboring wall. I nervously laugh as I say I say a prideful remark. "You missed me!" Devious Joe's eyebrow raises as I feel someone push me down from behind. I fall forward as I look behind me... IT'S DEVIOUS JOE! He winds up an overhead swing, and I barely roll out of the way as the wooden floor cracks under the extreme force of his swing. Devious Joe sputters through is geometrically impossible lips, "HAHAHA WEAKLING!! I MUST SAY THOUGH YOU'RE LASTING LONGER THAN STUPID COMRADES! HEHEHAHHAHAH" Devious Joe touches my forehead so quickly I can't react. I then see flashes of horrible images, devious images of what he did to my comrades and my family. I quickly jump out of the way and run to the end of the hallway. I stare down Devious Joe as I am in disbelief... I thought I saved my comrades... I thought I saved my family... It was all a ruse, some sick game he played on me... Devious Joe was my best friend! Why would he do this!? I feel my anger and rage fill me as I grip my katana tighter... that's when I remember what my father taught me, our treasured family sword technique. I get in the stance and utter the phrase "humming bird slash." That's when as quick as a hummingbird I flash down the hallway and impale Devious Joe on my blade. Yes! I did it! I killed Devious Joe!! He only looked down at me with the same smirk he always did. He sputters "EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE IS COMPLETE AGONY. EVERY SECOND IS MISERY!! EVERYONE CALLED ME WEIRD!! EVERYONE HATED ME FOR BEING DIFFERENT!! I WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL EVERY LAST MEMBER OF YOUR CLAN IS A BLEEDING PILE OF MUSH!!" That's when he laughs the most frightening cackle I had ever heard... He grips my katana as he slowly pulls it out of his chest, his cold blood running down my blade and gauntlet. I no doubt punctured his lung and heart! How is he still alive? I pushed with all my might but Devious Joe didn't care. He only pushes harder, until my katana is completely out. Devious Joe kicks me full force as multiple of my ribs break, and I go flying. I hit the end of the hallway as more of my ribs broke. I pant as I struggle to get up, the terrible images of my comrades and family flashing in my mind. "DEVIOUS JOE!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!" He raises an eyebrow as he slowly starts walking towards me. "WE WERE FRIENDS DEVIOUS JOE! I BELIEVED IN YOU WHEN NOBODY ELSE DID!" Devious Joe simply nods his head and sputters "THEN STAND STILL AND I'LL MAKE YOUR DEATH PAINLESS!!" He finally reaches me, I see blood gushing from the puncture wound in his chest. He winds up a swing as I weakly bring up my guard. It barely deflects the blow, and my katana goes flying to the adjacent room. Devious Joe cackles as he prepares another swing but before he kills me, he says "Goodbye old friend!" That's when I feel the most cold feeling ever as I drift off to eternal slumber.

READ THE BEHIND THE JOE ENDING

READ THE DEVIOUS ENDING