THE QUESTIONABLY SOURCED CHRONICLE OF DEVIOUS JOE AND THE UNNAMED HERO: A JUMP THROUGH TIME
100% BY NICNAK
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I'm not one to fight.
It was weird waking up today, I shat, ate breakfast, and got out of bed like usual. But something felt off, I looked outside my window to see the city before me. It's covered in smog and disgusting trash littered everywhere. Crime on every corner, DEVIOUS people everywhere, it's horrible. But our leader, Devious Joe, would disagree. Our overlord sits on his golden throne with that smirk, watching over the world as it slowly burns. I've had enough, it's OVER, I walk the streets of Village City mindlessly as I head towards a nearby bridge, ready to take my own life. However, just when I was about to jump I spotted something on the road. I walk over and go to pick it up, avoiding the cars. And as I look closer I realize it's a piece of some yellow gem, but wait... this gem had a weird symbol on it, resembling the face of- DEVIOUS JOE!!! THIS IS A PIECE OF HIS AMULET THAT'S JUST LAYING HERE!! All of a sudden I witness out of the corner of my eye a shadow walking out of sight, a cloaked figure running off the bridge and into the city, they disappear into the smog. I look back at the amulet with awe, the odds of this amulet appearing here! I mean how?! Why!? Well no matter, I look closely at the amulet and feel its power run through my veins. A fraction of the infinite possibilities that Devious Joe possesses through the power of this very amulet, it's amazing! I look around and see Village City, the state it's in, instead of looking in melancholy I look with hope. The hope that I can save this City and even the world! But how to do it? I can't just use lt to fight Devious Joe, he's got an entire army! And an even better amulet! But wait! What if I were to use this amulet to go back to when Devious Joe didn't have an army, didn't rule the world, or even have the amulet? If I were to go back in time and maybe stop Devious Joe from becoming... Devious. Then maybe I could save everyone. So I grasp the amulet tight, close my eyes and think of a time where Devious Joe wasn't Devious, I then concentrate the amulet's power to go back to that time. And just like that I opened my eyes and then... I saw Village City when it was still Village Village, years upon years ago. Everything was much cleaner, except the roads. But I could see the sky, I could see people, not Devious but regular people! I was astounded by just how different it was back then.
I then witnessed someone walking in the distance, they looked familiar so upon closer inspection I realized... It's Devious Joe! But... not so Devious. More like an Average Joe if anything. But that didn't matter, now was my chance to maybe stop him from becoming devious, but how? I never really thought up a plan until now... But then all of a sudden I see three people spring out from behind him, I hear the one in the front yell out,
It seems these guys wanted to destroy Joe's amulet, I can't blame them, but it seems like they're gonna fight to the death! I have to stop this, only... I didn’t have to. Joe's demeanor suddenly changed as he grew a large symmetrical smile on his face, and his body began to slowly disappear, all but his eyes and eyebrows remained along with that terrible grin that reminded me of the present Devious Joe! One by one he slaughtered every single one of them, he slashed open the guts of what seemed to be the leader, he cried as he tried to push his intestines back into his gash wound only to have his head bashed into the floor by Devious Joe. The other two were easy, it took Joe only seconds to slash through them and chop off each of their limbs. I witnessed the horror, absolutely terrified at the sheer power of Devious Joe on full display. Joe takes the bodies and throws them into the river as he watches them slowly drift away... Now was my chance! Devious Joe is currently distracted at the moment, so all I have to do is sneak up to him and steal the amulet away so I could quickly crush it. But before I could even take one step, I felt a DEVIOUS aura from behind, I think, It couldn't be, could it? I slowly turn around as I then see HIM. Those soulless eyes, that menacing brow, and that DEVIOUS grin, it was none other than...
DEVIOUS JOE!!!
I quickly grab a nearby stick in order to defend myself but he just makes the stick disintegrate in my very hands. Out of fear I attempt to time jump but he then grabs my neck and pins me against a tree as he then speaks...
I grasp the amulet tight as I think of only one thing, ESCAPING DEVIOUS JOE!!! Quickly the amulet teleports me away, as I head towards my destination I realize my amulet isn't there on my chest, I must have dropped it while I was in the middle of teleporting! But before I can react to that information I'm suddenly catapulted into some point in time. Only... I don’t know where... I take a look at my surroundings and realize I'm still in Village Village, but it seems... nicer. Everyone is enjoying themselves, no terror, no bloodshed, not even a Joe in sight! I looked around and realized that this was a similar area to where I met Devious Joe, and seeing as how time travel is fucking bullshit I looked around and... I found it! The amulet piece I dropped before I came here! That must mean this is the future! But it's strange, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves a little... Too much...
I walk over to someone and ask them,
Well that's weird, why is the name Joe forbidden? It couldn't be a result of... nah, that's too convenient. I walk around the Village trying to come up with a plan on how to possibly defeat Joe, after all I gotta think quick cause now HE can travel through time like it's nothing. Although I should've expected that, how did he know exactly where I was? And why did he want to know my name? No matter dwelling on it now, I've gotta think of a plan before Devious Joe picks up my trail… if he hasn't already. I then think of it, the greatest plan I've ever thought up in my entire life. What if I didn't try to defeat Joe now, but I tried to make past me defeat him? I mean there’s gotta be a point where I'm fast enough to stop Devious Joe from killing those three guys right? If I just keep going and going in an infinite loop, one of those infinite tries will certainly be the one where I win won't it? So now fully committing to this new plan I grab a cloak from a nearby cloak store and travel back to the present on that bridge where I first found the amulet. I come back to the smog filled town with a new found hope as I see myself standing on the bridge, I run over and see that I'm about to jump off. Reacting quickly I slide the amulet over to my past self and witness him pick up the amulet, I then run off back under the bridge. But then I get that Devious aura again, he couldn't be here could he? But then I turn the corner to see DEVIOUS JOE standing there, waiting for me. Before I can react he quickly restrains me using only his mind as he slowly walks over to me, He hears me above on the bridge use the amulet to time travel and suddenly his smile disappears. He then screams at me, "OH YOU JUST HAAADD TO DO THAT! DIDN'T YOU? WELL NOW THAT YOU GAVE A PIECE OF MY AMULET TO YOUR PAST SELF YOU SUDDENLY THINK YOU CAN PUT ME INTO A TIME LOOP? I RULE TIME FOOL!!! I AM TIME ITSELF!!! AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME FROM KEEPING THINGS AS THEY ARE, D E V I O U S !!!!! SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH JOEY, BECAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT WAY I WOULD TORTURE YOU FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, AND I THOUGHT UP THE PURFECT WAY TO MAKE YOU SUFFER!!!!" I then feel the worst pain I've ever felt in my life as I'm transported to what seems to be another dimension... Everything looks different, a lot more blocky. As I look forward I see a block spanning a fair height and for whatever reason I ponder... Can I jump onto that block? So I try to jump onto it and... I made it! But then I see another block, It looks nearly identical to the last one but I still ponder... Can I jump onto that block? And all of a sudden I'm caught in this infinite loop of seeing a block and trying to jump to it, sometimes I even miss and I fall to my death, only to be catapulted back to the start of it all with the first block, so I try and jump across them again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I feel… different, I'm still Joey obviously but I'm a different kind of Joey, instead of jumping through time I’m jumping onto blocks. I then realize that this is my perpetual torment that Devious Joe was talking about that I'd suffer for all eternity. And I now know that I'm going to be stuck here, jumping on blocks infinitely, never being able to see the end, because there is no end. I then feel a deep sinking feeling as I pop a fake smile on my face and jump into the infinite void of suffering and insanity of doing the same thing over and over. I've now become the very opposite of a savior, everything meant nothing, and it all ended with me failing. Hopefully my plan works and one day the world is saved, but for now. All I am. All I will be. All I was... was Jumping Joey. THE END. |